Sis, I need to ask you something.

How many times has he “tested” you this week?

I see him setting up little traps to see if you’ll pass. Creating scenarios to check if you’re loyal. Watching how you react to things. Analyzing your responses. Keeping score of whether you prove yourself trustworthy.

Maybe he:

• Tells you he’s going out to see if you get jealous or try to control him
• Mentions another woman to see how you react
• Disappears without explanation to see if you’ll panic or question him
• Checks if you’ll notice when he changes his story
• “Accidentally” leaves his phone around to see if you’ll look through it
• Creates fake problems to test how you’ll respond

I see you exhausted from constantly being tested. You feel like you’re taking an exam you never signed up for, where the questions keep changing and you never know if you passed.

And I see you wondering: Is this normal? Is he just making sure I’m trustworthy? Should I be grateful he cares enough to test me?

Absolutely not.

Let me be clear: A man who tests your loyalty doesn’t trust you. And he never will. Because this isn’t about you proving yourself—it’s about him maintaining control.

Let me explain what’s really happening and why you need to stop playing his games.

What’s Really Happening: The Loyalty Test Trap

As a man who understands how healthy trust works, let me tell you something important: Real trust isn’t built through tests. It’s built through consistent honest behavior over time.

A secure man doesn’t need to test you. He observes how you naturally behave. He trusts until given a real reason not to. He builds trust by being trustworthy himself and allowing you to do the same.

Testing is what insecure, controlling, or manipulative people do. Here’s what’s really going on:

Tests Are Designed So You Can Never Fully Pass

Think about the nature of his tests:

If you “pass”:

• He doesn’t trust you more—he just creates a harder test next time
• Your passing doesn’t earn you freedom—it earns you more scrutiny
• There’s no reward for passing—just temporary relief until the next test

If you “fail”:

• He uses it as evidence you can’t be trusted
• He escalates the testing
• He punishes you with suspicion, withdrawal, or accusations

Either way, you lose. The tests aren’t designed to build trust—they’re designed to keep you in a perpetual state of proving yourself. And you can never prove yourself enough.

Tests Give Him Excuses to Control You

When you “fail” a loyalty test (or he decides you did), he gets to:

• Restrict your freedom (“You can’t go out with your friends anymore”)
• Demand more transparency (“Now I need to check your phone regularly”)
• Escalate surveillance (“I need to know where you are at all times”)
• Punish you with jealousy displays, silent treatment, or accusations

The tests create justification for increased control. Even when you haven’t actually done anything wrong, he can interpret your “test results” in ways that give him permission to tighten his grip on you.

He’s Testing Because He Doesn’t Trust Himself

Here’s something most people don’t realize: People who test loyalty often do so because they know they themselves aren’t loyal.

He tests you because:

• He knows how easy it is to be disloyal—he’s being disloyal
• He knows how to hide things—he’s hiding things
• He knows what cheating looks like—he’s cheating or thinking about it
• He knows how to manipulate—he’s manipulating

Projection. He assumes you’re playing the games he’s playing. So he tests you to catch you doing what he’s already doing.

Tests Replace Genuine Connection

In a healthy relationship, trust is built through:

• Vulnerable conversations
• Shared experiences
• Consistent reliability
• Mutual respect
• Open communication

In his relationship, trust is supposedly built through:

• Surveillance
• Traps
• Manipulation
• Proving yourself
• Passing tests

See the difference? One creates intimacy and partnership. The other creates anxiety and control.

He’s avoiding real connection by replacing it with testing. Because real connection requires him to be vulnerable and trustworthy—and he’s neither.

Tests Keep You Focused on Proving Yourself Instead of Evaluating Him

Think about what happens when you’re constantly being tested:

You’re focused on:

• Passing his tests
• Proving your loyalty
• Not triggering his suspicion
• Being “good enough”
• Earning his trust

You’re NOT focused on:

• Whether he’s loyal
• Whether he’s trustworthy
• Whether this relationship is healthy
• Whether you’re happy
• Whether he’s testing you because he’s the one being shady

By keeping you in test-taking mode, he keeps you from noticing you should be testing him. Or better yet, leaving him.

Common Loyalty Tests and What They Really Mean

The Jealousy Test

What he does: Mentions another woman, talks about his ex, or tells you about someone who’s interested in him.

What he says it’s about: “I just wanted to see if you’d get jealous. It shows you care.”

What it’s really about: He’s gauging how much he can get away with. If you don’t react, he’ll push further. If you do react, he’ll call you insecure. Either way, he wins.

The Availability Test

What he does: Doesn’t text or call for extended periods, or says he’s going somewhere without you.

What he says it’s about: “I wanted to see if you’d freak out or if you trust me.”

What it’s really about: He’s testing how much he can disappear without accountability. And possibly doing things he doesn’t want you to know about while he’s “testing” you.

The Other Men Test

What he does: Watches how you interact with other men—coworkers, friends, even strangers. Analyzes whether you smile too much, talk too long, seem too friendly.

What he says it’s about: “I’m just making sure you’re not being inappropriate.”

What it’s really about: He’s looking for excuses to accuse you of disloyalty so he can control who you interact with and isolate you from male friends.

The Independence Test

What he does: Gets upset when you make plans without him, have your own interests, or spend time with others.

What he says it’s about: “I wanted to see if I’m a priority to you.”

What it’s really about: He’s testing how much of your independence you’re willing to sacrifice. Each time you cancel plans to appease him, you’ve “passed” by giving up more of yourself.

The Phone Test

What he does: Leaves his phone accessible to see if you’ll look through it, or asks to see yours “randomly.”

What he says it’s about: “If you have nothing to hide, you should be fine with me checking.”

What it’s really about: If you look through his phone, you’re “insecure and don’t trust him.” If you don’t look, he gets to keep his secrets while demanding access to yours. If you refuse to show yours, you “must be hiding something.”

The Reaction Test

What he does: Does something hurtful or disrespectful to see how you’ll respond.

What he says it’s about: “I was testing to see if you’d call me out or just accept bad treatment.”

What it’s really about: He’s seeing how much disrespect you’ll tolerate. The more you tolerate, the worse his behavior will get.

Why This Is Destroying You

You live in constant anxiety. You never know when you’re being tested or what the test is. You’re always on edge, analyzing your own behavior, afraid of “failing” some test you didn’t know you were taking.

You lose your authenticity. You can’t be yourself because you’re too busy performing for his tests. You’re calculating every action based on how he might interpret it rather than living genuinely.

You accept being distrusted. Over time, being tested becomes normal. You forget that healthy relationships don’t work this way. You accept being treated as guilty until proven innocent.

You become isolated. To avoid “failing” his tests, you start restricting your own behavior. You stop seeing friends, talking to certain people, having independence—all to pass tests that can’t actually be passed.

You miss the real problem. You’re so focused on proving your loyalty that you don’t notice he’s the untrustworthy one. The person testing you is often the person who should be tested.

You lose your self-respect. Constantly proving yourself to someone who will never be satisfied is degrading. You become smaller, more compliant, more desperate for his approval. That’s not love—that’s breaking you down.

What You Need to Understand

You Cannot Earn Trust From Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Trust

If he wanted to trust you, he would. You’ve given him no reason not to trust you. The problem isn’t lack of evidence of your loyalty—it’s his decision to distrust regardless of evidence.

No amount of passing tests will make him trust you because his distrust isn’t about you. It’s about him.

Testing Is Abuse

Creating scenarios to manipulate your partner’s behavior, keeping them in a constant state of proving themselves, and using their “test results” to control them is emotional abuse.

It’s not love. It’s not protection. It’s not him being careful after being hurt before.

It’s manipulation and control.

The Person Who Tests Is Usually the One Who Should Be Tested

Pay attention to this pattern: The person most obsessed with testing your loyalty is often the one being disloyal.

Why else would he:

• Know what disloyalty looks like (he’s doing it)
• Be so paranoid about it (he knows it’s possible because he’s doing it)
• Test you constantly (he’s projecting his behavior onto you)
• Stay secretive while demanding transparency (he’s hiding what he accuses you of)

His obsession with testing you is often a confession of what he’s doing.

What You Need to Do

Step 1: Refuse to Play the Game

“I’m not taking loyalty tests. Either you trust me or you don’t. But I won’t participate in games designed to make me prove myself.”

Stop playing. Stop trying to pass. Refuse the entire premise.

Step 2: Name the Pattern

“You constantly test me instead of trusting me. That’s not how healthy relationships work. That’s manipulation and control.”

Call it what it is. Make him see what he’s doing.

Step 3: Demand Trust or End It

“I’ve given you no reason to distrust me. If you can’t trust me without testing me, this relationship can’t work. Choose: trust me or lose me.”

Make it clear this isn’t sustainable. He trusts you or you’re gone.

Step 4: Turn the Tables

Start paying attention to what HE’S doing. The person testing you constantly is usually the one hiding something.

Look for:

• When his testing increases (often after he’s been shady)
• His secretiveness vs. his demands for your transparency
• Whether he’s doing what he’s testing you for

Often, his tests are projections of his own behavior.

Step 5: Recognize This Will Never End

If you stay, you will spend your entire relationship being tested. The tests will get harder. The control will get tighter. The trust will never come.

This is who he is. You can’t pass enough tests to change him.

Step 6: Leave

Sis, you cannot build a healthy relationship with someone who treats you like a suspect instead of a partner.

You deserve to be trusted, not tested.

What You Deserve

You deserve someone who trusts you until given a real reason not to.

Someone who builds trust through connection, not through tests.

Someone who doesn’t need to trap you to feel secure.

Someone who treats you like a partner, not a suspect.

That person exists. But it’s not him.

The Bottom Line

A man who tests your loyalty instead of building trust is showing you he:

• Doesn’t trust you and never will
• Uses manipulation and control instead of healthy communication
• Is likely hiding the very things he’s testing you for
• Sees relationships as power dynamics where you must constantly prove yourself

You cannot win this game because it’s rigged. The only way to win is to stop playing.

FAQ

Q: Isn’t it normal to test someone’s loyalty in the beginning of a relationship?

No. Healthy people observe behavior over time to build trust. They don’t create manipulative scenarios to “test” you. Testing is a sign of someone who doesn’t know how healthy trust works.

Q: What if he was cheated on before and needs reassurance?

Reassurance is asking “Are we okay?” Testing is creating traps. If his past makes him test and distrust you, he needs therapy before he can be in a relationship. You’re not responsible for healing his trust issues through passing endless tests.

Q: How do I know if I’m being tested or if he’s just being cautious?

Caution is watching behavior naturally. Testing is creating scenarios to manipulate a response. If you feel like you’re constantly performing or proving yourself rather than just being yourself, you’re being tested.

Q: What if I fail his tests because I actually am doing something wrong?

If you’re being disloyal, that’s not a test—that’s him catching you. But if you’re being loyal and he’s manufacturing “failures” from innocent behavior, that’s manipulation.

Q: Could testing actually build trust over time?

No. Testing builds resentment, anxiety, and performance behavior. Trust is built through vulnerability, consistency, and mutual respect—none of which testing provides.