Sis, I need you to see the pattern you’re stuck in.

When you’re fully invested, giving him everything, showing up consistently, being present—he puts in minimal effort. He takes you for granted. He’s comfortable. He doesn’t chase. He doesn’t try. He coasts.

But the moment you start pulling away? The moment you get quiet, start creating distance, seem less available, or hint that you might be done?

Suddenly he’s the perfect boyfriend.

The texts pour in. The calls come. The affection returns. The promises are made. The effort appears out of nowhere. He’s attentive, loving, present—everything you’ve been begging for.

And you think: “Finally! He gets it. He realizes what he’s losing. He’s changed.”

So you come back. You give him another chance. You reinvest.

And the moment you’re fully back? The effort disappears again.

I see you exhausted from this cycle. I see you pulling away not because you want to, but because it’s the only way to get his attention. I see you realizing that the only time he tries is when he’s about to lose you.

And I see you starting to question: Why can’t he just try all the time? Why do I have to threaten to leave to get basic effort? Is this what love is supposed to look like?

No, sis. This isn’t love. This is manipulation.

Let me explain what’s really happening, why his effort only appears when you pull away, and why this pattern will destroy you.

What’s Really Happening: The Effort-When-Losing-You Trap

As a man who understands genuine commitment, let me be clear: Real effort doesn’t wait until someone is about to leave. Real effort is consistent because the person values you, not because they’re afraid of losing you.

A man who truly loves you tries every day—not because you’re pulling away, but because he doesn’t want to give you a reason to.

Your boyfriend’s effort only appears when he’s losing you. Here’s what that really means:

He’s Comfortable When You’re All In

Think about what happens when you’re fully invested:

• You’re not going anywhere → he doesn’t have to try
• You’re meeting his needs → he’s getting what he wants
• You’re doing the work → he can coast
• You’re committed → he has no competition

Why would he put in effort when he’s already getting everything he wants without it?

He has you. You’re available. You’re giving him attention, affection, sex, emotional support—all while he does the bare minimum.

He’s comfortable. Comfortable people don’t change. They don’t try harder. They don’t put in effort. Because why would they? What they’re doing is working perfectly for them.

Your Pulling Away Threatens His Comfort

But when you start pulling away:

• You’re not as available → he might lose access to you
• You’re not meeting his needs → he’s not getting what he wants
• You’re creating distance → he has to work to close it
• You might leave → he could lose his comfortable setup

Now he’s uncomfortable. And discomfort motivates change.

Not because he loves you more. Not because he suddenly realizes your value. But because his comfortable situation is threatened.

The effort isn’t about winning your heart—it’s about protecting his comfort.

He’s Responding to Loss, Not Expressing Love

Pay attention to what motivates his effort:

When you’re fully present: Nothing. No effort. Takes you for granted.

When you’re pulling away: Maximum effort. Texts, calls, promises, affection.

See what’s happening? His effort is a response to losing something, not an expression of loving someone.

He’s not trying because he loves you. He’s trying because he’s losing you.

That’s a fundamentally different motivation. One is about you. The other is about him and what he’s losing.

He’s Training You to Accept Breadcrumbs

Here’s the insidious part of this pattern: It teaches you that you have to almost leave to get basic effort.

You learn:

• Pulling away = he tries
• Being present = he coasts
• Threatening to leave = he shows love
• Staying committed = he takes you for granted

You’re being trained to pull away to get effort. Which means you can never actually be secure in the relationship. You have to constantly threaten abandonment to get basic relationship needs met.

This creates a toxic cycle where you’re always one foot out the door just to get him to act like he cares.

His Effort Is Strategic, Not Genuine

Think about what happens with his effort:

When you’re pulling away:

• He love bombs you with attention
• He makes big promises about change
• He’s suddenly everything you wanted
• He tells you exactly what you need to hear

Once you’re back:

• The effort evaporates
• The promises are forgotten
• He’s back to minimal investment
• You’re back to being taken for granted

His effort is a strategy to get you back, not a genuine commitment to being better. It’s manipulation designed to hook you back in so he can return to coasting.

He Only Values What He Might Lose

This is the brutal truth: He doesn’t value you when he has you. He only values you when he’s losing you.

Your presence, your love, your commitment, your effort—none of that matters to him when it’s readily available.

Only the threat of loss makes him see your value. And that tells you everything about how he actually feels about you.

The Cycle You’re Trapped In

Let me show you the pattern clearly:

Phase 1: You’re All In

• You’re committed, present, trying
• He coasts, minimal effort
• You feel taken for granted
• You get frustrated and hurt

Phase 2: You Start Pulling Away

• You create distance
• You get quiet
• You stop trying as hard
• You consider leaving

Phase 3: He Panics and Love Bombs

• Suddenly he’s attentive
• Texts, calls, affection pour in
• Promises to change
• Acts like the perfect boyfriend

Phase 4: You Come Back

• His effort convinced you he’s changed
• You reinvest in the relationship
• You’re hopeful and committed again
• You’re all in

Phase 5: Back to Phase 1

• Once you’re secure, his effort disappears
• He’s comfortable again
• Back to taking you for granted
• Cycle repeats

This cycle can repeat for years. And with each cycle, you lose more of yourself.

Why This Pattern Destroys You

You can never feel secure. You have to constantly threaten to leave to get basic effort. You can never fully commit because full commitment means he stops trying.

You become someone you’re not. You learn to play games—pulling away, creating distance, making him jealous—just to get the attention and effort that should be freely given.

You lose your authenticity. You can’t be your genuine, loving, committed self because that version gets taken for granted. You have to be the version that’s always leaving to get his effort.

You exhaust yourself. Constantly cycling between pulling away and being pulled back is emotionally draining. You’re never at peace. You’re always managing the distance to manage his effort.

You accept that love requires threat. You internalize the toxic belief that you have to threaten to leave to be loved. This damages your understanding of what healthy love looks like.

You waste years in the cycle. Each time he love bombs you back, you believe “this time is different.” You give him another chance. The cycle continues. Years pass. Nothing actually changes.

You settle for manipulation instead of love. His effort when you’re leaving isn’t love—it’s manipulation. But the cycle trains you to accept manipulation as proof of love.

What His Pattern Really Tells You

He Doesn’t Actually Love You—He Loves Having You

Real love is consistent. It doesn’t require the threat of loss to show up.

He doesn’t love you as a person. He loves what you provide: attention, affection, sex, emotional support, companionship, ego boost.

When you pull away, he’s not scared of losing you—he’s scared of losing what you give him.

That’s not love. That’s possession.

His Promises Are Lies

Every time he promises to change, to be better, to try harder—he’s lying.

How do I know? Because the moment you’re back, the effort disappears.

If he meant those promises, the effort would continue after you came back. The fact that it evaporates once you’re secure proves the promises were manipulation to hook you back in.

You Are a Game to Him

Think about what this dynamic creates: He only tries when there’s a challenge.

You’re fully committed = boring, no challenge, no effort needed.

You’re pulling away = challenge activated, game on, maximum effort.

You’re not his partner. You’re his game. And he’s only interested when he’s losing.

This Will Never Change

For this pattern to change, he would need to:

• Recognize he only tries when losing you
• Understand this is manipulative and wrong
• Value you enough to try even when you’re committed
• Put in consistent effort regardless of whether you’re staying or going

He will never do this. Because the current pattern works perfectly for him. He gets everything he wants (you) with minimal effort (until you threaten to leave).

Why would he change a system that benefits him?

What You Need to Do

Step 1: Recognize the Pattern

“You only try when I’m pulling away. The moment I’m back, the effort disappears. I see the pattern and I won’t participate in it anymore.”

Name it. Make him see it. Refuse to pretend it’s not happening.

Step 2: Stop Rewarding His Strategic Effort

When he love bombs you after you pull away, don’t come back.

His effort isn’t real. It’s a strategy. Don’t reward manipulation by giving him another chance.

Step 3: Demand Consistent Effort or Nothing

“I don’t want your effort when I’m leaving. I want your effort when I’m staying. If you can’t give me consistent effort regardless of whether I’m threatening to leave, then you can’t have me at all.”

Make it clear: you won’t accept effort that only appears under threat.

Step 4: Actually Leave the Next Time

The next time you pull away and he love bombs you back—don’t go back.

His effort is fake. His promises are lies. He’ll repeat the pattern the moment you’re secure again.

Actually leave this time.

Step 5: Understand You Deserve Better

You deserve someone who tries because they love you, not because they’re losing you.

You deserve consistent effort, not strategic manipulation.

You deserve to feel valued when you’re present, not just when you’re leaving.

What You Deserve

You deserve a man who tries every day—not because you’re pulling away, but because he doesn’t want to give you a reason to.

You deserve someone whose effort is motivated by love, not fear of loss.

You deserve consistency, not a cycle of neglect and love bombing.

You deserve someone who values your presence, not just panics at your absence.

That person exists. But it’s not him.

The Bottom Line

Sis, a man who only shows effort when he’s losing you is telling you:

• He doesn’t value you when he has you
• His effort is manipulation, not love
• He’s responding to loss, not expressing love
• You’re a game he only plays when challenged
• He will never give you consistent effort

You cannot build a life with someone who only tries when you’re leaving.

Stop going back. Stop rewarding his strategic effort. Stop accepting that you have to threaten to leave to be loved.

You deserve real love. Not this.

FAQ

Q: What if he’s just scared of losing me and that’s why he tries harder?

Fear of loss isn’t the same as love. If fear is the only thing motivating his effort, what happens when he feels secure again? The effort disappears. Real love tries consistently, not just when threatened with loss.

Q: Maybe he just needs to see I’m serious about leaving to understand my value?

If he needs you to actually leave to understand your value, he doesn’t value you—he values not losing. And the moment you’re back and secure, he’ll forget your value again. This won’t change.

Q: Should I keep pulling away to keep his effort up?

No. You shouldn’t have to constantly threaten to leave to get basic relationship effort. That’s exhausting, toxic, and not sustainable. You deserve effort without games.

Q: What if this time he really has changed?

If his effort continues for 6+ months after you’ve come back and are fully secure, maybe. But if the effort disappears the moment you’re back (which it always does in this pattern), he hasn’t changed—he’s just running the same playbook.

Q: Could he just be bad at showing love when things are comfortable?

No. Showing love when things are comfortable should be EASIER than showing love when things are tense. If he can only try when he’s losing you, it’s not about skill—it’s about motivation. And his motivation is manipulation, not love.