Sis, let me paint you a picture.

He wants to know where you are at all times. Who you’re with. What you’re doing. He checks your location. He asks for details about your day. He wants to see your phone. He monitors your social media—who you follow, who follows you, who likes your posts.

But when you ask him the same questions? He gets defensive. Secretive. Annoyed.

“Why do you need to know?” “You don’t trust me?” “Stop being so insecure.” “I need my privacy.”

I see you confused by this blatant double standard. He demands full transparency from you while giving you none in return. He monitors your every move while keeping his own actions private.

And I see you starting to question yourself: Am I being too controlling by wanting to know what he does? Should I just trust him? Maybe I’m being insecure?

Stop right there.

What you’re experiencing is a classic control tactic. And it’s one of the biggest red flags you can encounter in a relationship.

Let me explain what’s really happening, why this double standard exists, and why you need to take this very seriously.

What’s Really Happening: The Surveillance Double Standard

As a man, let me give you some straight truth: In healthy relationships, there’s transparency on both sides. Or privacy on both sides. But never surveillance on one side and secrecy on the other.

If he’s monitoring you but refusing to be monitored himself, that’s not about trust or safety. That’s about power and control.

Here’s what’s really going on:

He Wants Control Over You, Not Accountability for Himself

Think about what this dynamic creates:

For you:

• He knows where you are at all times
• He knows who you’re talking to
• He can check up on you whenever he wants
• You have no privacy
• You’re accountable for every moment of your day

For him:

• You don’t know where he is unless he chooses to tell you
• You don’t know who he’s talking to
• He can disappear without explanation
• He has complete privacy
• He’s accountable to no one

See the imbalance? He has total visibility into your life while maintaining total opacity in his. That’s not partnership—that’s surveillance and secrecy. Control and freedom. And he gets to decide who has which.

He’s Doing What He’s Afraid You’re Doing

Here’s a hard truth I need you to hear: The person most obsessed with monitoring their partner is often the one doing shady things themselves.

He monitors you because he knows how easy it is to hide things—he’s hiding things. He checks your location because he knows how easy it is to lie about where you are—he lies about where he is. He goes through your phone because he knows what can be hidden in a phone—his phone is full of things he’s hiding.

Projection. He assumes you’re doing what he’s doing. So he monitors you to catch you doing what he’s already doing. And he stays secretive to hide what he’s accusing you of.

The irony would be funny if it wasn’t so damaging.

He Uses “Trust” Selectively to Manipulate You

Notice how trust works in his world:

When it comes to you:

• “If you have nothing to hide, you should have no problem with me checking your phone.”
• “I just want to know where you are because I care about you.”
• “Trust but verify.”

When it comes to him:

• “You need to trust me.”
• “Stop being so insecure.”
• “I deserve privacy.”
• “You’re being controlling.”

He demands you prove trustworthiness through transparency while demanding you trust him without proof.

This is manipulation. He’s using the concept of “trust” to control you (you must be monitored) while protecting himself (you must not question him).

He Believes He’s Entitled to Information About You

In his mind, you’re not an autonomous person with a right to privacy. You’re his girlfriend, which means:

• Your location is his business
• Your conversations are his business
• Your social media is his business
• Your phone is his business
• Your life is his to monitor

But his life? That’s his business. Private. Off-limits.

This entitlement mentality treats you as property to be monitored rather than a partner to be trusted. You exist under his surveillance. He exists in freedom.

He Keeps You Too Busy Being Monitored to Monitor Him

Here’s the strategic part: When you’re constantly being questioned, checked up on, and monitored, you’re in a defensive position.

You’re too busy:

• Proving where you were
• Explaining who you talked to
• Showing your phone
• Justifying your actions
• Managing his suspicions

To question where he is, who he’s talking to, or what he’s doing.

By keeping you on defense, he stays on offense. You’re being investigated while he operates freely. That’s exactly how he wants it.

The Red Flags in This Pattern

He Demands Access You’re Not Allowed

He wants:

• Your phone password (but you’re not allowed to know his)
• Your location at all times (but his is “not your business”)
• Details about your day (but gets vague about his)
• To see your messages (but his are “private”)

This isn’t mutual transparency—it’s one-way surveillance.

He Gets Angry When You Ask for Reciprocity

When you say “If I have to share my location, you should too” or “If you can check my phone, I should be able to check yours,” he:

• Gets defensive
• Accuses you of not trusting him
• Makes you feel bad for wanting equality
• Refuses to match what he demands from you

His anger when you ask for the same transparency he demands is proof this is about control, not trust.

He Escalates Monitoring Over Time

At first it was casual: “Where are you?”
Then it became frequent: “Send me a pic so I know where you are.”
Then it became surveillance: Location sharing, checking your phone, monitoring social media.

This escalation is a sign of increasing control. And it won’t stop. The more you comply, the more he’ll demand.

He Uses What He Finds to Punish You

When he monitors you, he finds “evidence” of wrongdoing where none exists:

• You talked to a male coworker—you must be interested in him
• You were at the store 10 minutes longer than expected—you’re lying
• You liked someone’s post—you’re being inappropriate

He weaponizes the information he gathers through monitoring to create problems, control your behavior, and keep you defensive.

His Secrecy Increases as His Monitoring Increases

As he demands more transparency from you, he becomes more secretive himself:

• Phone face-down
• Passcode changed
• Apps hidden
• Vague about whereabouts
• Defensive when questioned

This inverse relationship—more surveillance of you, more secrecy from him—is a massive red flag that he’s hiding something while making sure you can’t.

Why This Is Dangerous

This is abuse. Monitoring your partner while refusing to be monitored yourself is a form of coercive control. It’s not love. It’s not protection. It’s domination.

You lose all autonomy. You can’t go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anyone without his knowledge and approval. You’re living under surveillance. That’s not a relationship—that’s a prison.

You’re being isolated. As he monitors you, you start avoiding situations that will trigger his questioning. You stop seeing friends, stop having a life, stop doing anything that isn’t pre-approved. You become isolated—which makes you more dependent on him.

You miss the red flags. You’re so busy being monitored that you don’t notice what he’s doing. The person doing the monitoring is often the one who should be monitored. But you’re too defensive to go on offense.

You accept being controlled. Over time, this level of surveillance becomes normal to you. You forget that this isn’t what healthy relationships look like. You accept being monitored as “just how he is” instead of recognizing it as abuse.

You lose yourself. When someone monitors your every move, you stop being yourself. You become a performance for his surveillance. You live for the approval of the person watching you. Your authentic self disappears.

What You Need to Do Right Now

Step 1: Demand Reciprocity

“If you want to monitor my location, I get to monitor yours.”
“If you get my phone password, I get yours.”
“If I have to tell you where I am at all times, you have to tell me where you are.”

Watch his reaction. If he refuses, you have your answer about what this is really about (control, not trust).

Step 2: Refuse the Double Standard

“I’m not living under surveillance while you operate in secrecy. Either we both have transparency or we both have privacy. You don’t get both while I get neither.”

Stand firm. This is non-negotiable.

Step 3: Reclaim Your Privacy

Remove location sharing. Change your passwords. Stop giving him unrestricted access to your phone and social media.

When he protests:

“I’m willing to have the same level of transparency I’m asking you to have. Since you want complete privacy, I’m taking mine back.”

Step 4: Investigate What He’s Hiding

If he’s this obsessed with monitoring you while being this secretive himself, there’s a very high chance he’s doing exactly what he’s accusing you of.

Pay attention to:

• When he’s “busy” or unavailable
• When he’s defensive about his whereabouts
• When his accusations increase (often right after he’s done something)
• Changes in his routine, appearance, or behavior

The person most paranoid about being cheated on is often the cheater.

Step 5: Recognize This as Abuse

This isn’t love. This isn’t concern. This isn’t him caring about your safety.

This is coercive control. It’s abuse. And it will get worse, not better.

Step 6: Get Out

Sis, I’m going to be direct with you: A man who monitors you while keeping his own actions private is not someone you can build a healthy relationship with.

This pattern shows he sees you as property to control, not a partner to trust. This is who he is. And it doesn’t get better—it escalates.

You need to leave before:

• The monitoring becomes more invasive
• The control extends to all areas of your life
• You lose yourself completely
• The abuse becomes physical (and with coercive control, it often does)

What You Deserve

You deserve a relationship where either both people are transparent or both people have privacy—but never one person monitored and one person secret.

You deserve to be trusted, not surveilled.

You deserve autonomy, not control.

You deserve partnership, not domination.

That relationship exists. But not with him.

The Hard Truth

A man who monitors your every move while hiding his own is telling you exactly who he is:

• Someone who doesn’t trust you (without cause)
• Someone who’s likely doing what he accuses you of
• Someone who believes he’s entitled to control you
• Someone who sees relationships as power dynamics, not partnerships

Believe what his behavior is telling you. And get out before you lose yourself completely.

FAQ

Q: What if he says he monitors me because he loves me and wants to keep me safe?

Monitoring is not love—it’s control. Love trusts. Love respects autonomy. Love doesn’t require 24/7 surveillance. If he loved you, he’d trust you. What he’s describing is possessive control disguised as care.

Q: Should I just give him access to everything to prove I have nothing to hide?

No. Privacy is a right, not something you have to earn. And giving him access won’t satisfy him—it will only teach him that demanding access works. He’ll escalate. Plus, if he won’t reciprocate, you’re accepting a double standard that puts you in a controlled position.

Q: What if I want transparency but he says I’m being controlling?

If you’re asking for the same level of transparency he demands from you, you’re not being controlling—you’re asking for equality. His refusal while maintaining his demands of you proves this is about his control, not mutual trust.

Q: Could he be monitoring me because he’s been cheated on before?

Past betrayal doesn’t justify present surveillance. If his ex cheated, he should work through that in therapy—not punish you with control tactics. You are not responsible for healing his trust issues by accepting being monitored.

Q: What if he’s right and I would cheat if he didn’t monitor me?

If the only thing keeping you faithful is surveillance, the relationship is already over. Loyalty comes from commitment and love, not from being watched. If he believes you need monitoring to stay faithful, he doesn’t actually trust or respect you.