Sis, I see you.

I see you breaking down in front of him, tears streaming down your face, telling him exactly
what you need and watching him look at you like you’re speaking a foreign language. I see
you hurting, asking for the bare minimum of emotional support, and getting nothing. Notcomfort. Not reassurance. Not even basic human compassion did him the most.

I see you wondering if you’re asking for too much. If you’re being too emotional. If you’re tooneedy. If maybe you should just handle your pain alone since he clearly can’t—or won’t—be there for you when you need him most.

And I see you starting to question yourself: “Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do all menstruggle with empathy like this?”

Stop right there.

What you’re experiencing is not normal. What you’re asking for is not too much. And hiscomplete lack of empathy when you’re clearly suffering is not a minor flaw you should learnto accept.

You deserve someone who actually cares when you’re hurting.Not someone whomakes you feel like your pain is an inconvenience to him.

Let me explain what’s really happening here, why he behaves this way, and what you needto understand about being with someone who lacks empathy.

What’s Really Happening: The Truth About Lack of Empathy

As a man, let me be straight with you about something most guys won’t admit:When aman truly cares about you, your pain becomes his pain.When you hurt, he hurts. Whenyou’re struggling, he feels compelled to help. That’s not being “whipped” or “soft”—that’swhat genuine love and empathy look like.

So when your boyfriend looks at you crying, asking for support, and responds withcoldness, indifference, or irritation? That’s not a communication issue. That’s not him “justbeing bad at emotions.”

That’s a lack of empathy. And in many cases, it’s a sign of narcissistic behavior.

Let me break down what’s actually going through his mind when you’re hurting and heshows no empathy:

He Genuinely Can’t Connect to Your Emotional Experience

Some people, particularly those with narcissistic traits, have a severely limited capacity forempathy. It’s not that they’re choosing not to care in the moment. It’s that they literallycannot put themselves in your emotional shoes.

When you’re crying and explaining how much something hurts you, his brain isn’tprocessing: “Wow, she’sreally in pain. How can I help her feel better?”

His brain is processing: “This is uncomfortable for me. When will this be over? How do Imake her stop crying so I can get back to my day?”

Your pain registers to him as an inconvenience to his comfort, notas something thatmatters in its own right.

I know that’s hard to hear. I know you want to believe he cares but just doesn’t know how toshow it. But sis, a man who genuinely cares finds a way to show it, even if he’s awkwardabout it. A man who lacks empathy doesn’t even try because your feelings don’t move him.

Your Emotional Needs Make Him Feel Attacked

Here’s something crucial to understand about people with narcissistic behavior:Theyexperience your pain as criticism of them.

When you come to him hurting and needing support, he doesn’t hear: “I’m struggling and Ineed you.”

He hears: “You’re failing as a boyfriend. You’re not good enough. You’re being attacked.”So instead of responding with compassion, he responds with defensiveness. Instead ofcomforting you, he’s busy protecting his ego from what he perceives as an attack. Yourtears become about him and his inadequacy, not about you and your actual pain.

That’s why he might get angry when you’re crying. That’s why he might shut down orwalk away. That’s why he accuses you of being “too emotional” or “too dramatic.”

He’s not reacting to your pain—he’s reacting to the threat your pain poses to his self-image.

He Sees Your Vulnerability as Weakness (And It Repels Him)

Men with narcissistic tendencies often view emotional vulnerability as weakness. And theyhave contempt for weakness—even in the people they claim to love.

When you break down in front of him, showing him your raw, honest emotions and askingfor support, he doesn’t see courage. He doesn’t see trust. He doesn’t see intimacy.

He sees weakness. And it disgusts him.

So instead of moving toward you with compassion, he pulls away. Instead of protecting youwhen you’re vulnerable, he punishes you for it—with coldness, with judgment, withabandonment.

This is why you might notice he’s actually LESS supportive when you need him most. It’s notan accident. Your vulnerability triggers his contempt, and he responds by withdrawing orattacking.

Your Suffering Isn’t Real to Him Unless It Affects Him

Here’sthe painful truth about people who lack empathy:Other people’s feelings onlymatter to them when those feelings impact their own life.

If your pain is contained—if you’re suffering quietly, handling it on your own, not “bothering”him with it—he’s fine.He might even be kind to you.

But the moment your pain requires something from him? The moment you ask him to showup, to support you, to be present with your emotions? That’s when his lack of empathybecomes obvious.

Because now your pain is affecting him. It’s disrupting his day. It’s requiring him to beuncomfortable. It’s asking him to think about someone other than himself.

And he’s not willing to do that.

So he responds with annoyance, impatience, or anger. He makes you feel like you’reburdening himby having normal human emotions and needs.

Why This Destroys You Over Time

Sis, I need you to understand what being with someone who lacks empathy does to you,because this is serious.

It makes you stop trusting your own emotions.When you’re hurting and the person who’ssupposed to love you acts like your pain doesn’t matter, you start questioning whether yourpain is real. Whether you’re overreacting. Whether you’re too sensitive. You begin tominimize your own suffering because he’s taught you it’s not valid.

It makes you feel completely alone even in a relationship.There’s a special kind ofloneliness that comes from being with someone who can’t or won’t see your pain. You’rephysically together, but emotionally you’re suffering in isolation. And that isolation isdevastating.

It trains you to stop asking for what you need.After enough times of reaching out forsupport and getting nothing—or worse, getting punished for asking—you stop asking. Youlearn to suffer in silence. You learn to handle everything alone. And that’s exactly what hewants, because your independence from him emotionally means he doesn’t have to showup.

It breaks your spirit.Over time, being with someone who lacks empathy when you’rehurting chips away at your sense of self-worth. You start believing maybe you don’t deservesupport. Maybe you’re not worth caring about. Maybe love isn’t supposed to include beingthere for eachother during hard times.

And sis, that’s a lie. A dangerous, soul-crushing lie.

What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Lack of Empathy

Let me give you some hard truths about what you’re dealing with:

It’s Not Going to Get Better

I know you’re hoping that if you just explain it right, if you just show him how much you’rehurting, if you just find the perfect words—he’ll finally understand and start showingempathy.

He won’t.

Lack of empathy isn’t a communication problem you can solve with betterexplanations. It’s a fundamental deficit in his ability to connect with other people’s

emotional experiences. No amount of crying, explaining, or begging is going to createempathy in someone who doesn’t have it.

He Might Fake Empathy When He Needs Something FromYou

Here’s what makes this even more confusing: Sometimes he WILL show what looks likeempathy. When he wants something from you. When he’s trying to get you to stay. When itserves him to appear caring.

But that’s not real empathy—that’s manipulation. Real empathy is consistent. It doesn’tturn on and off based on what he needs from you in the moment.

If he can show empathy when it benefits him but not when you genuinely need it, thattells you everything.

You Can’t Love Him Into Having Empathy

I know youwant to believe your love is powerful enough to change him. That if you just lovehim hard enough, patient enough, unconditionally enough—he’ll learn to care about yourfeelings the way you care about his.

But sis, you can’t teach empathy to someone who fundamentally lacks it. That’s not afailure on your part. That’s just reality.

You’re trying to fill a cup that has no bottom.No amount of your love, your patience, yoursuffering in silence, or your perfect behavior is going to create empathy in someone whodoesn’t have the capacity for it.

What You Should Do Right Now

Alright, sis. Here’s what you need to do:

Step 1: Stop Explaining Your Pain to Him

If you’ve told him once that you need support when you’re hurting, and he responded withcoldness, indifference, or anger—he understood. He just doesn’t care enough to change.Stop wasting your breath trying to make him understand. Stop emotional labor on someonewho refuses to meet you even a quarter of the way.

His lack of empathy is not a communication problem. It’s a character problem.

Step 2: Get Your Emotional Needs Met Elsewhere

I’m not saying leave right this second (though you probably should). But I am saying stoplooking to him as your source of emotional support. Lean on friends. Lean on family. Leanon a therapist. Build a support system of people whoactually show up for you when you’re hurting.

You deserve to be emotionally supported. If he won’t do it, someone else will.

And honestly? Once you experience what it feels like to have people in your life whoactually care when you’re hurting, it’s going to become very clear how unacceptable hisbehavior is.

Step 3: Watch His Behavior, Not His Words

He might say he cares. He might promise to do better. He might even apologize after beingparticularly cruel during a moment when you needed him.

None of that matters if his behavior doesn’t change.

Real empathy shows up in actions. If he’s not consistently showing up for you when you’re hurting—not just saying he will, but actually doing it—then his words are worthless.

Step 4: Ask Yourself the Hard Question

Can you spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t care when you’re in pain?

Because that’s what you’re signing up for if you stay. This isn’t a phase. This isn’t something he’ll grow out of. This is who he is.

If you stay, this is your future: Coming to him hurting, needing support, and getting nothing. Crying alone. Handling your pain in isolation while he goes about his day unbothered. Being made to feel like your emotions are a burden.

Is that the life you want? Is that the love you deserve?

Step 5: Consider That His Lack of Empathy Might Be Abuse

I need to say this clearly: Consistently showing no empathy when your partner is in pain is a form of emotional abuse.

It’s not just a personality flaw. It’s not just “how some men are.” It’s cruelty.

If he can see you suffering and not be moved to help—if he can watch you break down and respond with anger or indifference—that’s not love. That’s not even basic human decency.

You don’t have to accept this. You don’t have to stay with someone who treats your pain like it’s an inconvenience.

The Reality You Need to Accept

Sis, here’s what I need you to hear:

A man who truly loves you cannot watch you suffer and do nothing. He can’t. It’s not in him. When you hurt, he hurts. When you need support, he shows up—maybe awkwardly, maybe imperfectly, but he shows up.

If your boyfriend can look at you clearly hurting, asking for support, and respond with coldness or anger—he doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.

That’s not me being harsh. That’s me being honest with you because I care about you and I don’t want you wasting years of your life on someone who fundamentally lacks the capacity to care about your emotional wellbeing.

You deserve someone whose heart breaks when yours does. Someone who can’t stand to see you in pain and will do whatever it takes to help. Someone who treats your vulnerability as sacred, not as weakness.

That person exists. But it’s not him.

And the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can stop breaking yourself trying to get empathy from someone who will never give it to you.

You deserve better than this, sis. You always have.

FAQ

Q: Can someone with narcissistic traits learn empathy?

In rare cases with intensive therapy and genuine willingness to change, someone with narcissistic traits can develop some capacity for empathy. But it requires them to recognize they have a problem and commit to years of difficult work. Most people with narcissistic behavior never do this because they don’t believe anything is wrong with them. Don’t stay hoping he’ll be the exception.

Q: Why does he show empathy to others but not to me?

Narcissists often reserve their worst behavior for intimate partners while appearing empathetic to outsiders. This is strategic—it maintains their public image while giving them someone to control in private. If he can show empathy to friends, coworkers, or even strangers but not to you, that’s actually worse. It means he’s capable of empathy but chooses not to extend it to you.

Q: Is it possible he just doesn’t know how to show empathy properly?

No. Showing empathy doesn’t require special training. When you see someone, you love in pain, the natural response is to want to help them. Even if someone is “bad at emotions,” they’ll still try, they’ll ask what you need, they’ll sit with you, they’ll show concern. Lack of empathy isn’t about not knowing what to do. It’s about not caring enough to try.

Q: Should I leave him just because he lacks empathy?

Yes. Lack of empathy is a fundamental incompatibility with healthy love. Without empathy, there can be no real emotional intimacy, no genuine support, no true partnership. You will spend your relationship feeling alone, unsupported, and emotionally abandoned. That’s not a small issue, it’s a relationship-ending one.

Q: What if he had a traumatic childhood that made him this way?

Understanding why someone lacks empathy doesn’t obligate you to accept being treated without empathy. His trauma is not your responsibility to fix, and his past doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you poorly. You can have compassion for his history while still choosing not to accept a relationship where your pain doesn’t matter to him.