Sis, I see you stuck in an exhausting cycle.

This cycle can slowly drain your emotional energy and leave you feeling confused about where you stand.

He pushes you away. He creates distance. He’s cold, unavailable, and emotionally withdrawn. He makes you feel unwanted, unloved, like you’re too much or not enough.

Emotional withdrawal can create deep insecurity and self-doubt over time.

So you pull back. You give him space. You start to let go. You begin healing. You consider moving on.

And the moment you’re actually leaving? He pulls you right back in.

The Push-Pull Cycle Begins

Suddenly he’s affectionate again. He misses you. He realizes what he’s losing. He promises to do better. He’s loving, attentive, and everything you wanted when you were fully invested.

So you come back. You believe him. You give him another chance.

And then he pushes you away again. The cycle repeats.

I see you dizzy from the constant push and pull. One day you’re breaking up, the next day you’re back together. One week he can’t live without you, the next week he needs space. You’re on an emotional roller coaster you never bought a ticket for.

And I see you confused: Why does he keep doing this? Does he love me or not? Does he want me or not? Why push me away just to pull me back?

Let me explain what’s really happening, why this cycle exists, and why you need to get off this ride.

What’s Really Happening: The Push-Pull Manipulation

As a man who understands healthy relationships, let me be clear: Emotionally stable men don’t push partners away and then panic when those partners actually leave.

A healthy man either wants you (and treats you accordingly) or doesn’t want you (and lets you go). He doesn’t ping-pong you back and forth between rejection and pursuit.

Your boyfriend’s push-pull pattern is manipulation, whether intentional or not. Here’s what’s really going on:

He Wants You Available But Not Close

Think about what the push-pull cycle creates:

When he pushes you away:

• You’re emotionally distant but still available
• He has space and freedom
• He can do what he wants without accountability
• He doesn’t have to deal with intimacy or commitment

When you actually start leaving:

• He panics at losing access to you
• He pulls you back in with affection and promises
• You’re reinvested and available again
• He can go back to pushing you away

The pattern keeps you perpetually available at a distance. Close enough that he has access to you, far enough that he doesn’t have to be truly intimate or committed.

He’s Addicted to the Chase, Not the Relationship

Some people are addicted to the dopamine hit of pursuing someone. The chase. The conquest. The win.

When you’re fully invested and present, there’s nothing to chase. You’re his. The game is won. It’s boring.

So he pushes you away—creating distance, problems, uncertainty.

When you pull back and start leaving, suddenly there’s a chase again. You’re slipping away. He might lose. The game is back on.

So he pursues you, wins you back, and feels that dopamine hit.

Then the cycle repeats because he’s addicted to the pursuit, not interested in the partnership.

He’s Testing How Much You’ll Tolerate

Every time he pushes you away and you come back when he pulls you in, he learns: “I can treat her badly and she’ll still stay. I can push her to the edge and pull her back. I have complete control.”

The push-pull pattern is testing and training you.

Testing: How much mistreatment will you accept?
Training: You’ll always come back if I just show you a glimpse of the good version.

Each cycle teaches him he can push you further, treat you worse, and you’ll still return when he decides he wants you back.

He Wants Control, Not Connection

Think about what the push-pull gives him:

Total control over the relationship.

He decides when you’re together and when you’re apart. He decides when to be loving and when to be cold. He decides when you’re breaking up and when you’re making up.

You have no control. You’re constantly reacting to his pushes and pulls. You’re on his emotional roller coaster with him at the controls.

This isn’t about love. It’s about power. He wants the power to push you away and the power to pull you back. Your role is to respond to whatever he decides at any given moment.

He’s Keeping You as a Backup While He Explores Other Options

I need you to consider this: When he pushes you away, where is his attention going?

Pay attention to the pattern:

• He pushes you away → he’s “busy,” distant, unavailable
• You start leaving → suddenly he has all the time and attention for you
• You come back → he pushes you away again

When he pushes you away, he might be pursuing or entertaining other options. When those don’t work out or when you’re actually leaving (and he’s losing his backup), he pulls you back in.

You’re being kept in rotation. Pushed away when he’s focused elsewhere, pulled back when he needs you or when other options fall through.

He’s Emotionally Immature and Can’t Handle His Own Feelings

Some people experience intimacy and closeness, feel overwhelmed by those emotions, panic, and push away.

Then they experience the loss and loneliness of pushing you away, feel overwhelmed by those emotions, panic, and pull you back.

They’re on an emotional pendulum, swinging between fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment.

When you’re close: “This is too much, I need space, I need to push her away.”
When you’re leaving: “I’m losing her, I’m alone, I need to pull her back.”

They’re not making conscious decisions about what they want. They’re reacting to their own emotional overwhelm by pushing and pulling.

This isn’t an excuse—it’s still destructive. But it explains why some people can’t seem to decide if they want you or not.

Why This Cycle Destroys You

You live in constant anxiety. You never know if today is a “push away” day or a “pull back” day. You can’t relax. You can’t feel secure. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You develop trauma bonds. The intermittent reinforcement (love, rejection, love, rejection) creates one of the strongest psychological bonds. You become addicted to the cycle itself, even though it’s destroying you.

You lose your sense of self. Your entire existence becomes about managing his pushes and pulls. You’re so focused on whether he wants you or is pushing you away that you forget who you are outside of this dynamic.

You can’t trust your own emotions. One day you’re done. The next day you’re back in love because he pulled you back. You don’t know what you actually feel anymore because your emotions are whiplashed by his behavior.

You waste years in the cycle. This pattern can repeat for years. Each time you think “this time is different,” each time you believe his promises when he pulls you back. Years pass. Nothing changes.

You accept abuse as love. The push-pull cycle is emotionally abusive. But the “pull back” moments feel like love because they’re such relief from the “push away” moments. You mistake the absence of pain for the presence of love.

You lose opportunities for real love. While you’re stuck in this cycle with him, you’re not available to meet someone who won’t push you away. Someone who wants you consistently. Someone who doesn’t play these games.

What His Pattern Really Means

He Doesn’t Know What He Wants—But He Knows He Wants Control

Maybe he genuinely doesn’t know if he wants a relationship with you. But what he does know is that he wants the power to push you away and pull you back at will.

Even if his feelings are confused, his need for control is clear.

The Push Is the Truth, The Pull Is the Manipulation

When he pushes you away, he’s showing you how he really feels: This isn’t what I want. I don’t want this level of intimacy/commitment.

When he pulls you back, he’s manipulating you to maintain access and control.

Believe the push. That’s the truth. The pull is just manipulation to keep you available.

You Will Never Feel Secure With Him

Even if you stay, even if you marry this man, you will spend your entire relationship waiting for the next push.

The pattern is who he is. You will always be on the emotional roller coaster. You will never feel truly secure, truly chosen, truly safe.

Is that the life you want?

This Pattern Won’t Change Without Professional Help

The push-pull cycle is rooted in deep psychological issues:

• Fear of intimacy
• Fear of abandonment
• Emotional immaturity
• Control issues
• Possible personality disorders

These don’t resolve on their own. They require intensive therapy and genuine commitment to change.

If he’s not actively in therapy working on this pattern, it’s permanent.

What You Need to Do

Step 1: Recognize the Pattern

“You push me away and then pull me back in. This is a pattern that’s been repeating for [timeframe]. I see it and I’m naming it.”

Make him see what he’s doing. Bring the pattern into the light.

Step 2: The Next Time He Pushes You Away, Don’t Come Back

I know this is hard. But the next time he creates distance, goes cold, pushes you away—let him push you away.

Don’t chase. Don’t fight for him. Let him go.

And when he inevitably tries to pull you back—don’t come back.

Step 3: Refuse to Be Controlled

“I’m not getting back on this roller coaster. You don’t get to push me away and pull me back whenever you feel like it. I’m done with this cycle.”

Take back your power. You decide if you stay or go—not him.

Step 4: Recognize This Is Abuse

The push-pull cycle is a form of emotional abuse called “intermittent reinforcement” or “trauma bonding.”

Call it what it is: Abuse.

And get out.

Step 5: Get Support

You might need help breaking this cycle. The trauma bond is real and powerful.

Talk to a therapist. Talk to friends and family. Get support to help you stay gone when he tries to pull you back.

Step 6: Block the Pull-Back

When you leave (and you should), block him.

Don’t give him the opportunity to pull you back in with sweet words, promises, or love bombing.

Block his number. Block social media. Go no contact.

The only way to break the cycle is to not be available when he tries to pull you back.

Step 7: Ask Yourself the Hard Question

Can you spend your life being pushed away and pulled back? Living in constant uncertainty about whether he wants you?

Can you accept a relationship that feels like an emotional roller coaster you never get off?

If the answer is no, you know what you need to do.

What You Deserve

You deserve someone who consistently wants you, not someone who wants you intermittently.

You deserve someone who doesn’t push you away, period.

You deserve stability, not a roller coaster.

You deserve to feel chosen, not controlled.

That person exists. But it’s not him.

The Bottom Line

Sis, a man who pushes you away and pulls you back is showing you:

• He wants control, not commitment
• He’s addicted to the chase, not interested in partnership
• He’s testing how much you’ll tolerate
• He might be keeping you as a backup option
• He’s emotionally immature and abusive

You cannot build a life with someone who can’t decide if they want you.

The next time he pushes you away, let him. And when he tries to pull you back, stay gone.

You deserve better than this cycle. You always have.

FAQ

Q: What if he really is just confused and needs time?

If he’s been pushing and pulling for more than a few months, he’s not confused—he’s using you. Confusion doesn’t create consistent patterns. Manipulation does.

Q: Could this be because he has an anxious-avoidant attachment style?

Possibly. But attachment style explains behavior—it doesn’t excuse it. If his attachment issues are causing this pattern, he needs therapy. You don’t have to suffer through abuse while he maybe works on issues he’s probably not addressing.

Q: What if I’m the one creating the pattern by being too clingy?

If your normal, healthy needs for closeness cause him to push you away, he’s emotionally unavailable. The problem is his inability to handle intimacy, not your need for it.

Q: Should I give him one more chance to stop the pattern?

How many “one more chances” have you already given? If this pattern has repeated more than twice, he’s shown you who he is. Stop giving chances to someone who keeps hurting you the same way.

Q: What if he really changes this time when he pulls me back?

He won’t. The pattern IS who he is. People don’t change patterns without intensive work. If he’s not actively addressing this in therapy, he will push you away again. Count on it.

Healing begins when you stop accepting cycles that hurt you.
You deserve consistency, emotional safety, and a partner who chooses you every day — not only when they fear losing you.