Sis, I need you to think about your last argument with him.

You brought up something specific. Something clear. Something that hurt you or needed to be addressed.

And somehow—somehow—by the end of the argument, you were defending yourself against things you never even said. Clarifying what you “actually meant.” Explaining “that’s not what I said.”

The original issue? Never addressed. Never resolved. Lost in a maze of twisted words and miscommunication that left you exhausted, confused, and questioning whether you even know how to communicate anymore.

I see you replaying the conversation in your head, trying to figure out where it went wrong. You know what you said. You were clear. But he heard something completely different—or at least he claims he did.

And I see you wondering: Am I not explaining myself clearly? Did I actually say it wrong? Is this my fault?

No, sis. This is manipulation.

What you’re experiencing is a calculated tactic called “word twisting” or “strawmanning,” and it’s one of the most crazymaking forms of emotional manipulation.

Let me break down exactly what he’s doing, why he does it, and what it means for your relationship.

What’s Really Happening: The Word-Twisting Playbook

As a man who knows how healthy conflict resolution works, let me be clear: In a healthy argument, both people address the actual issue being raised.

When you say “I felt hurt when you didn’t call,” a healthy partner responds to that actual concern. They don’t twist it into something else.

But your boyfriend? He’s doing something different. Here’s the playbook:

He Turns Your Specific Concern Into an Extreme Accusation

You say: “I wish you’d spend more time with me on weekends.”

He hears (or claims to hear): “You think I never spend time with you! You think I’m a terrible boyfriend who ignores you!”

Now you’re defending yourself: “No, that’s not what I said. I just meant—”

See what happened? Your reasonable request for more quality time got turned into an extreme accusation you never made. Now instead of addressing your actual need, you’re defending yourself against his twisted version.

This is called strawmanning—he’s attacking an exaggerated, distorted version of what you said instead of addressing what you actually said.

He Pulls One Sentence Out of Context and Makes It the Whole Argument

You say: “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately. We don’t talk like we used to. I miss our deep conversations. It feels like we’re just roommates sometimes.”

He focuses on: “So you think we’re just roommates? After everything we’ve been through? I can’t believe you’d say that.”

The rest of what you said? Ignored. He grabbed one phrase, ripped it out of context, and made that the entire argument.

Now you’re explaining what you meant by “roommates” instead of having a conversation about feeling disconnected. Your actual concern gets buried under his manufactured outrage about one sentence.

He Assigns Meanings and Motivations You Never Expressed

You say: “It bothers me when you make plans without asking if I’m available.”

He responds: “So you want to control my entire life? You want me to ask permission for everything? You don’t trust me to make my own decisions?”

You never said any of that. You made a simple request about being considered in plans. But he’s assigned meanings and motivations that never existed.

Now you’re defending against accusations of being controlling, untrusting, and restrictive—none of which were in your original statement.

He Uses Absolutes When You Were Talking About Specifics

You say: “You’ve been distant this week.”

He responds: “I’m ALWAYS distant according to you! I can NEVER do anything right! You ALWAYS have a problem with something!”

Notice the shift? You said “this week”—a specific, recent timeframe. He turned it into “always” and “never”—absolutes that make you sound unreasonable.

Now you’re backtracking: “No, I didn’t say always, I just meant this week…” Your specific, valid concern gets lost in defending against his exaggerated version.

He Deflects to Something Completely Unrelated

You say: “I need you to help more with household chores.”

He responds: “Oh, so the fact that I work 50 hours a week means nothing? The fact that I pay most of the bills doesn’t count? You don’t appreciate anything I do!”

None of that has anything to do with household chores. But now you’re defending against accusations of not appreciating him, and the original issue—needing help with chores—never gets addressed.

Why He Does This

It Lets Him Avoid Accountability

Think about what happens when he twists your words:

The conversation derails. Your original concern gets lost. You spend all your energy defending what you “actually meant” instead of him addressing what you actually said.

By the end, the issue hasn’t been resolved. He hasn’t had to take accountability, make changes, or even genuinely engage with your concern.

Mission accomplished. He avoided the uncomfortable conversation by making it about something else entirely.

It Puts You on the Defensive

When you’re busy defending yourself against twisted versions of what you said, you’re not pressing the original issue.

You’re not holding him accountable. You’re not insisting on resolution. You’re not demanding he address your actual concern.

You’re defensive instead of assertive. And that’s exactly where he wants you.

It Makes You Question Your Own Communication

After enough arguments where your words get twisted, you start to doubt yourself:

“Maybe I didn’t say it clearly enough.”
“Maybe I should have phrased it differently.”
“Maybe I’m bad at communicating.”

And that’s the insidious part. You start believing the problem is how you communicate, not that he’s deliberately misrepresenting what you say.

So you work harder to be clearer, more careful, more precise—and he keeps twisting your words anyway. Because this was never about your communication skills.

It Makes Him the Victim

Notice how when he twists your words, he’s always the injured party?

You asked for more time together, and suddenly HE’S being accused of being a terrible boyfriend (he’s not, that’s not what you said).

You mentioned feeling disconnected, and suddenly HE’S being told you’re just roommates (not what you meant).

By twisting your words into attacks, he gets to be the victim. And victims don’t have to take accountability.

Why This Destroys You Over Time

You stop bringing things up. If every concern you raise gets twisted into an argument about something you didn’t say, eventually you stop raising concerns. You swallow your hurt. You accept problems. Because it’s not worth the exhausting argument that goes nowhere.

You lose confidence in your communication. You start second-guessing everything you say. Overexplaining. Prefacing every statement with disclaimers. Walking on eggshells trying to say things in a way he can’t twist—except he always finds a way.

You feel crazy. You KNOW what you said. But he’s so convincing in his twisted interpretation that you start doubting your own memory, your own words, your own reality. That’s gaslighting.

The real issues never get resolved. Your needs don’t get met. Your concerns don’t get addressed. The relationship problems pile up because every attempt to discuss them gets derailed by word-twisting.

You become exhausted. Constantly defending what you “actually meant,” clarifying your statements, trying to get the conversation back on track—it’s mentally and emotionally draining. You’re tired of arguing about arguments.

What You Need to Do

Step 1: Name It in the Moment

When he twists your words, call it out immediately:

“That’s not what I said.”
“You’re twisting my words.”
“Stop putting words in my mouth.”
“I said [repeat exact words]. Don’t change what I said.”

Be direct. Be firm. Don’t let him get away with the twist.

Step 2: Refuse to Defend Against Twisted Versions

When he creates a strawman argument:

“I’m not going to defend against something I didn’t say. Let’s go back to what I actually said.”

Don’t get sucked into defending twisted versions. Bring it back to your actual words, your actual concern.

Step 3: Repeat Your Original Point

No matter how much he tries to derail:

“I’m not discussing that. We’re talking about [original issue].”
“You’re changing the subject. My concern is [original issue].”

Be a broken record. Keep bringing it back to the actual point.

Step 4: Put It in Writing

If he consistently twists your words in verbal arguments, try text or email for important conversations.

When it’s in writing, he can’t claim you said something you didn’t. You have proof of your exact words.

If he still twists them, you have evidence of the manipulation.

Step 5: Recognize This Is Intentional

Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s “just misunderstanding.”

If someone consistently twists your words in ways that benefit them and avoid accountability, that’s not misunderstanding. That’s manipulation.

He knows what you said. He’s choosing to twist it because it serves him.

Step 6: Ask Yourself If This Is Sustainable

Can you spend your life with someone you can never have a straightforward conversation with? Someone who twists every concern into something it’s not?

Can you accept never having your real issues addressed because he’ll always derail the conversation?

If the answer is no, you know what you need to do.

What Healthy Communication Looks Like

Let me show you what it’s supposed to look like:

You say: “I felt hurt when you didn’t call yesterday.”

Healthy response: “I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have called. What time works best for you so I can make sure I don’t forget?”

That’s it. No twisting. No deflecting. No making you defend against things you didn’t say.

He addresses what you actually said, takes accountability, and works toward a solution.

That’s what you deserve. Someone who responds to your actual words, not to twisted versions designed to avoid accountability.

The Bottom Line

Sis, if he’s constantly twisting your words, he’s showing you that he’s more interested in winning arguments than resolving issues.

He’d rather manipulate the conversation than address your legitimate concerns.

He’d rather make you defend yourself than take accountability for his behavior.

That’s not someone who respects you. That’s not someone who values honest communication.

And you can’t build a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to engage honestly with what you’re actually saying.

You deserve better than this.

FAQ

Q: What if he genuinely misunderstands what I’m saying?

Genuine misunderstanding happens occasionally and gets cleared up quickly: “Oh, I thought you meant X. Now I understand you meant Y.” But if your words get twisted in ways that consistently benefit him and avoid accountability, that’s not misunderstanding—that’s manipulation.

Q: Should I record our arguments to prove what I actually said?

If you’re at the point of considering recording arguments as proof, that’s a sign the relationship is deeply unhealthy. The problem isn’t that you need evidence—it’s that you’re with someone who manipulates your words and gaslights you about what you said.

Q: What if I actually am bad at communicating?

If other people in your life generally understand you fine, but HE consistently “misunderstands” in ways that deflect from his accountability, the problem isn’t your communication—it’s his manipulation.

Q: How do I know if I’m the one twisting his words?

Ask yourself honestly: When he raises a concern, do you address it or do you deflect by claiming he said something he didn’t? Do you make him defend against exaggerated versions of his statements? If not, you’re not the one twisting words.

Q: Can couples therapy help with this?

Only if he’s willing to acknowledge he does this and wants to change. Most manipulators don’t see their word-twisting as a problem—they see it as justified because you “weren’t clear” or you “attacked” them. Therapy can’t fix someone who won’t admit they’re manipulating.