Sis, how many times has he said “I’m sorry” this month?
And how many times has his behavior actually changed?
I see you having the same conversation over and over. He does something that hurts you. You tell him. He apologizes—sometimes even seems really sincere about it. You feel hopeful that things will be different.
And then he does the exact same thing again.
The apology meant nothing. It was just words to make the uncomfortable conversation stop. Words to get you off his back. Words to buy him time until he does it again.
I see you starting to doubt yourself. Maybe I’m expecting too much? Maybe change takes time? Maybe he really does mean it and just keeps messing up?
No, sis. What you’re experiencing is one of the most insidious forms of manipulation: the empty apology.
Let me explain what’s really happening and why his “I’m sorry” is worthless.
What Real Apologies Look Like vs. What He’s Giving You
A real apology has three parts:
- Acknowledgment of specific wrongdoing
- Understanding of how it affected you
- Commitment to concrete change
Example: “I’m sorry I was two hours late without calling. I know that made you worry and feel disrespected. I’m setting alarms on my phone so this doesn’t happen again.”
His apologies probably sound like:
- “I’m sorry, okay?”
- “I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- “Sorry, it won’t happen again.” (Narrator: It happened again.)
See the difference? His apologies are designed to end the conversation, not to address the problem.
Why He Apologizes Without Changing
The Apology Is a Tool to Shut You Up
He’s learned that saying “I’m sorry” makes you stop talking about the issue. It’s a magic phrase that ends the uncomfortable conversation without him having to actually do the work of changing.
Think about what happens when he apologizes:
You’re upset, explaining how his behavior hurt you. He says “I’m sorry.” You feel like you’ve been heard. The conversation ends. He goes back to doing exactly what he was doing.
He’s not sorry. He’s just sorry you’re still talking about it.
The apology isn’t about remorse. It’s about making the discomfort stop. And it works because you accept his words at face value and give him another chance.
He Doesn’t Actually Think He Did Anything Wrong
When someone genuinely believes they messed up, they feel compelled to make it right. They don’t just say sorry—they demonstrate change because they don’t want to hurt you again.
When he apologizes but changes nothing, he’s telling you he doesn’t actually think what he did was wrong. He’s just placating you.
In his mind:
- You’re overreacting (so he doesn’t need to change)
- You’re too sensitive (so the problem is you, not him)
- It’s not that big of a deal (so why should he put in effort to change?)
His apology is performative. He’s giving you what you want to hear without any intention of following through. Because deep down, he doesn’t believe he should have to change.
He Wants Credit for the Apology Without Doing the Work
In his mind, saying “I’m sorry” should count for something. He apologized! He’s a good guy who admits when he’s wrong!
Except he’s not wrong in his mind—he just said the words you wanted to hear. And now he expects credit for that performance without actually changing anything.
He wants you to see him as someone who takes accountability, while doing absolutely nothing that demonstrates actual accountability.
It’s like saying “I’ll help you clean the house” and then sitting on the couch. The words mean nothing without the action.
The Apology Buys Him Time to Keep Doing What He’s Doing
Every time he apologizes and you accept it, he’s bought himself more time to continue the behavior.
You told him three months ago that forgetting to text you back makes you feel unimportant. He apologized. You believed him. He’s still doing it.
You told him two months ago. He apologized again. You gave him another chance. Still doing it.
Each apology is a reset button that allows him to keep doing the thing that hurts you while maintaining your hope that he’ll eventually change.
And as long as you keep accepting apologies without changed behavior, he has no motivation to actually change. Why would he? The apology works.
The Pattern You’re Stuck In
Let me show you the cycle you’re trapped in:
1. He does something that hurts you
(Forgets plans, dismisses your feelings, breaks a promise, etc.)
2. You address it
(“This hurt me. We’ve talked about this before.”)
3. He apologizes
(“I’m sorry, I know, it won’t happen again.”)
4. You accept the apology and give another chance
(You believe him because you want to believe him)
5. He does the exact same thing again
(Days, weeks, or months later)
6. Repeat cycle
And with each cycle, you get more exhausted. More frustrated. More doubtful that things will ever actually change.
But you keep accepting the apologies because:
- You love him
- You want to believe he means it
- You don’t want to be “unforgiving”
- You’re hoping this time will be different
- You’re scared of what it means if his apologies are meaningless
So the cycle continues. And nothing changes.
Why This Destroys You Over Time
You stop trusting apologies—from anyone. When someone who claims to love you repeatedly apologizes without changing, it damages your ability to trust apologies in general. You become cynical. Hardened. Unable to believe anyone when they say sorry.
You lose respect for him. Even if you don’t admit it, every empty apology chips away at your respect for him. You start seeing him as weak, dishonest, or incapable of follow-through. And a relationship without respect is dead.
You stop believing change is possible. If apologies don’t lead to change, what’s the point of communicating? What’s the point of giving feedback? You start believing nothing will ever get better, and you accept a life of disappointment.
You begin to doubt your own standards. You wonder if you’re asking for too much. If expecting him to actually change after apologizing is unreasonable. His empty apologies make you question whether your needs are valid.
You become the problem. Since he keeps apologizing but not changing, the unspoken message is: “I’ve said sorry, so if you’re still upset, that’s on you.” Now you’re the one who won’t let things go. You’re the one who’s “unforgiving.” The focus shifts from his behavior to your reaction to his behavior.
How to Know If His Apology Is Real or Empty
Let me give you a checklist to evaluate his apologies:
Real apology:
- ✅ Acknowledges specific wrongdoing (“I’m sorry I was late”)
- ✅ Shows understanding of impact (“I know that made you wait and feel disrespected”)
- ✅ Takes full responsibility (“That was my fault”)
- ✅ Commits to specific change (“I’m going to leave 15 minutes earlier next time”)
- ✅ Actually follows through with changed behavior
- ✅ Doesn’t include “but” (“I’m sorry, but you…”)
- ✅ Doesn’t make excuses or blame circumstances
Empty apology:
- ❌ Vague (“I’m sorry”)
- ❌ Defensive (“I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”)
- ❌ Blames you (“I’m sorry you feel that way”)
- ❌ Makes excuses (“I’m sorry, but I was stressed”)
- ❌ No plan for change (“It won’t happen again” with no explanation of how)
- ❌ Tries to move on immediately (“I apologized, can we just drop it?”)
- ❌ Never results in actual changed behavior
If you’ve heard the same apology more than twice for the same behavior, it’s empty. Period.
What You Need to Do Right Now
Step 1: Stop Accepting Empty Apologies
The next time he apologizes for something he’s apologized for before:
“Saying sorry doesn’t mean anything if the behavior continues.”
“I don’t need an apology. I need change.”
“You’ve apologized for this four times. Your apology is meaningless without different behavior.”
Call out the pattern. Make it clear his words without actions are worthless.
Step 2: Look at Patterns, Not Individual Apologies
Stop evaluating each apology in isolation. Look at the pattern:
Has he apologized for this before? Did the behavior change? For how long? Did it eventually go back to the same pattern?
If he’s apologized for the same thing more than twice and is still doing it, his apology is manipulation, not genuine remorse.
Step 3: Demand Concrete Change, Not Just Words
When he apologizes, don’t accept the words. Demand the plan:
“What specifically are you going to do differently?”
“How will you make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
“What’s your plan for changing this behavior?”
If he can’t answer these questions with concrete actions, his apology is empty.
Step 4: Set Consequences
“The next time this happens, I’m [consequence].”
And then follow through.
If you say you’ll leave the conversation, leave it. If you say you’ll stop accepting this behavior, stop accepting it. If you say you’ll reconsider the relationship, reconsider it.
Words mean nothing without consequences. Show him that apologizing without changing has a cost.
Step 5: Accept That He’s Showing You Who He Is
Maya Angelou said: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
He’s shown you that his apologies are empty. That his words don’t match his actions. That he will say whatever he needs to say to end the conversation, then go back to doing what he’s always done.
Believe him.
Stop waiting for him to become the man who keeps his word. Stop hoping this apology will be the real one. Stop giving him chance after chance when he’s proven he won’t change.
He’s showing you exactly who he is: Someone whose apologies are worthless.
The Hard Question You Need to Answer
Can you spend the rest of your life with someone whose sorry means nothing?
Can you build a future with someone who apologizes endlessly but never actually changes?
Can you accept that every time he hurts you, he’ll say the right words—and then keep doing the wrong things?
If the answer is no, you know what you need to do.
What You Deserve
You deserve someone whose apologies come with changed behavior. Someone who means “I’m sorry” and proves it through consistent action.
You deserve someone who doesn’t just say they’ll do better—they actually do better.
You deserve someone who values your trust enough not to break the same promise over and over.
That person exists. But it’s not him.
And the sooner you stop accepting empty apologies, the sooner you can find someone whose sorry actually means something.
FAQ
Q: How many chances should I give him to change after he apologizes?
If you’ve addressed the same issue more than 2-3 times with no lasting change, you have your answer. More chances won’t create change—they’ll just teach him his empty apologies work.
Q: What if he says he’s trying but keeps failing?
Real trying includes asking for help, seeking resources, making a plan. If his “trying” looks like doing nothing different and hoping the problem resolves itself, he’s not trying—he’s stalling.
Q: Should I accept his apology even if I don’t think he’ll change?
You can acknowledge he apologized without accepting that the apology is sufficient. “I hear that you’re sorry. I need to see changed behavior before I can fully accept this apology.”
Q: What if he gets mad that I won’t accept his apology?
That tells you everything. A genuine apology doesn’t demand acceptance—it earns it through changed behavior. If he’s angry you won’t accept his words without action, the apology was never genuine.
Q: How long should I wait to see if he actually changes after apologizing?
Depends on the behavior, but generally 2-4 weeks is enough time to see if someone is genuinely working on change. If you see no effort or improvement in that time, the apology was empty.
