You don’t have to accept something that hurts you just because he can name other men who do it too.
You asked him about his choice. Now you’re hearing about his friends, what people do these days, or how much worse another woman has it. Somehow, the conversation has become a vote on whether you’re allowed to care.
And you start questioning yourself. Maybe you’re expecting too much. Maybe this is just how relationships work. Maybe you should be grateful he isn’t doing something worse.
But none of that answers the question you brought to him.
Deflection in relationships can look like using what other people do to avoid dealing with what happened between you. He may still be talking about the same behavior. He just keeps making the answer about everybody except himself.
You can consider another perspective. You can find out that the two of you understood something differently. You can even change your mind. But you deserve a conversation about your actual relationship, not a competition against the worst man he can think of.
When “everyone does it” replaces an answer
Let’s say you agreed to keep a private disagreement between the two of you. Later, you find out he shared the details in a group chat.
When you ask about it, his answer is, “Everybody talks to their friends about their relationship.”
That may be true of many people. Talking to a trusted person for support can be reasonable. But you asked about the private details he shared after a specific agreement. You still need to discuss what that agreement meant, what he shared, and why he chose to share it.
Instead, you find yourself debating whether people should ever talk to friends. That wasn’t your question. You didn’t ask him to handle everything alone. You asked him about this situation.
Notice the difference. A useful response might be, “I needed support, but I shared details I said I wouldn’t share. We need to talk about what’s okay to discuss with someone else.” There’s room for his need and your concern in that answer.
“Everyone does it” becomes a problem when it’s offered as the reason nothing else needs to be addressed. Other people’s habits don’t tell you whether he honored what he agreed to with you.
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You keep telling her other men do worse. She is asking about what you did. Their behavior does not answer for yours.
Common and okay with you are two different questions
Something can happen often and still be something you don’t want in your relationship.
People have different expectations around privacy, flirting, money, how they speak during disagreements, and what they share online. Finding out that other couples handle one of those things differently can be useful. It gives you another perspective. It doesn’t settle what works between you.
You don’t need to prove that most women would agree with you before you can explain what you want. And he doesn’t need to prove that most men would agree with him before he can honestly say what he wants.
The conversation you need is about whether those expectations fit together. Can you make an agreement you both mean? Has an existing agreement been kept? Is either person being pressured into something they don’t actually accept?
That’s different from being told your concern is ridiculous because his friends wouldn’t have a problem with it. His friends aren’t the people making this agreement with you.
It also works both ways. You can’t settle a disagreement by saying all your friends agree with you either. Their support may help you think. It doesn’t replace a direct conversation about the situation in front of you.
Your point doesn’t need a crowd behind it to deserve an honest response.
What is deflection when he’s still talking about the same thing?
Deflection doesn’t always mean jumping to a completely unrelated subject. Sometimes he keeps talking about the behavior while avoiding the part you asked him to address.
You ask whether he kept a promise. He tells you how common it is to break that kind of promise. You ask about a hurtful comment. He explains that everybody in his circle jokes that way. You ask about a choice he made. He tells you another man would have done something worse.
Those are deflection examples when the comparison takes the place of an answer. The test isn’t whether he mentioned other people. It’s whether that information helps you discuss his choice or becomes the reason you’re supposed to stop discussing it.
For example, “That’s how my friends joke, and I didn’t realize it landed differently with you” can begin a useful conversation. He can explain the background and still hear what you’re saying. “My friends all joke like that, so you need to get over it” closes the question before your experience gets considered.
You don’t have to prove a secret motive to notice that difference. You can pay attention to the response you’re actually getting.
If the discussion keeps moving into entirely different subjects, the unanswered question when he changes the subject is another pattern to recognize. Here, the issue is more specific: what everybody else supposedly does is being offered as his answer for what happened with you.
“At least I don’t do that” can leave you asking for less
Maybe his answer isn’t that everyone does it. Maybe it’s that he could be worse.
You raise the way he spoke to you, and he points out that he never cheated. You ask about a promise, and he reminds you that another man wouldn’t help at all. You bring up a real concern, and he starts listing things you’ve never accused him of doing.
You can appreciate the good in him. You don’t have to erase it to speak about something that hurt you. But being glad he doesn’t do one harmful thing doesn’t mean you have to accept another.
Otherwise, the standard keeps moving. You came in asking for a respectful conversation. You leave telling yourself it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.
That can become exhausting because you’re no longer looking at what you’re living with. You’re comparing it with a worse situation and trying to convince yourself yours should be enough.
You don’t need to call him the worst man alive to say something isn’t working. A concern can be real without being the worst thing anyone has ever experienced.
And you don’t owe him gratitude for every hurt he chose not to cause. The question is still how he treats you in the relationship you actually have.
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You call it normal because your friends do it. She is still hurt by your choice. A crowd does not decide what she accepts.
Give useful context a place without giving it the final say
There are times when learning what other people do helps. Maybe you thought there was only one reasonable way to handle something. Maybe he assumed a familiar habit would be fine with you because nobody had questioned it before.
You can hear that. You don’t have to treat a different background as evidence that he meant to hurt you.
But once the difference is clear, there’s still a conversation to have. What does each person actually want? What did you already agree to? What can you both honestly accept going forward?
Imagine he grew up in a family where people spoke openly about money. You prefer to keep your income private. His background explains why he may not have thought twice about mentioning it. It doesn’t automatically decide whose information he gets to share after you’ve discussed it.
Or maybe you never discussed it, and neither of you knew you had different expectations. That matters too. You can acknowledge the misunderstanding without agreeing that your preference is silly or that his background is wrong.
Useful context leaves room for both people to answer. Making excuses leaves you hearing why his choice should be beyond discussion.
You don’t need to reject his whole explanation. You can say, “I understand why that felt normal to you. I still want us to decide how we’re going to handle it between us.”
Bring the conversation back to what applies between you
You don’t have to investigate his friends or prove what all men do. Even if you could settle that argument, you would still need to talk about your own relationship.
A plain response can be enough: “I’m not asking whether your friends are okay with it. I’m asking whether this is something you want to keep doing.”
If there was an agreement, you can name it: “We agreed not to share those details. Are you saying you don’t want that agreement anymore?”
That question leaves room for an honest answer. He might say he misunderstood. He might acknowledge he broke the agreement. He might tell you he doesn’t agree with it now. None of those answers automatically solves everything, but they give you something real to consider.
What doesn’t help is another round of guessing which other women would put up with it. You aren’t asking to run their relationships. You’re trying to understand yours.
You can also ask yourself whether your request is fair. Wanting privacy doesn’t mean you get to ban him from seeking support. Wanting respect doesn’t mean he has to agree with every interpretation you have. A useful agreement needs room for both people’s real needs.
Considering that honestly doesn’t mean giving up your concern. It means discussing the actual request instead of letting “everyone does it” make the decision for you.
If he wants different rules for you, notice that too
Sometimes his comparison reveals another issue. He says it’s normal for him to do something, but he would be upset if you did the same thing under the same circumstances.
That can be part of double standards in relationships: one person expects an excuse for himself and a restriction for the other person.
You can ask about that difference without turning it into a plan to hurt him back. “Would you be okay with me doing the same thing?” is a question about fairness. You don’t need to actually do it to make your concern count.
Different circumstances can justify different arrangements. A fair agreement doesn’t have to make every detail identical. But “I’m a man” or “women are supposed to accept that” doesn’t explain why only one person gets a choice.
And if the answer turns into a complaint about how difficult you are for asking, notice that shift. Deflecting blame onto your character still doesn’t answer the question about the arrangement.
You can consider your own behavior without accepting a rule that only protects his freedom. Both people deserve a clear understanding of what they’re agreeing to and a real say in whether they want it.
An honest disagreement gives you more than a comparison
He’s allowed to disagree with your expectation. That can be hard to hear, especially if you hoped he would understand and make a different choice. But an honest disagreement tells you where he stands.
“I don’t want to agree to that” is different from promising one thing and later telling you everybody does the opposite. One gives you a choice with clearer information. The other leaves you trying to figure out whether the agreement ever meant anything.
You’re allowed to decide an arrangement doesn’t work for you. He’s allowed to decide he doesn’t want it either. You don’t have to make him a terrible person to recognize that the two of you want different things.
If he does agree with you, taking responsibility means addressing his part in what happened. It doesn’t require a speech about how he compares with other men. It requires enough honesty about his own choice for you to understand what he’s saying.
You can listen, ask a fair question, or stop a discussion that keeps going in circles. You’re not required to keep arguing until he admits you’re right. If speaking about it brings pressure or threats, you can put your safety and support before finishing the conversation.
You deserve to know what he’s actually willing to offer. A comparison with someone worse should not be all you have to go on.
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You want credit for what you never did. She needs you to address what actually happened. Being better than worse is not the same as treating her well.
A guide for looking at what you keep explaining away
If “that’s just normal” has become a reason you keep swallowing repeated disrespect, When He Keeps Disrespecting You is a relevant next step.
The book and guide includes a Respect Reality Review, guided work, and a “What You Know Now” section. It looks at how disrespect gets explained away, how repeated forgiveness can move your standards, and the difference between ordinary conflict and contempt.
That work can help you look at what’s actually happening instead of measuring your relationship against the worst one you’ve heard about. It also leaves room for the difference between a mistake, a misunderstanding, and a pattern that keeps returning after you’ve discussed it.
You can read about When He Keeps Disrespecting You and view the available preview here. It’s a useful fit when you’re explaining away repeated hurt, rather than simply finding out you and he have different preferences.
Other people’s choices don’t decide yours
You can be fair to him without agreeing that something is okay because it happens often.
You can appreciate what he does well without letting that erase what still needs attention. And you can consider his background without treating your own needs as an inconvenience you should learn to ignore.
The question isn’t whether somebody else would accept the relationship. It’s whether you understand what you’re agreeing to and whether it works for you.
You don’t have to prove that no good man would ever make his mistake. You don’t have to compare him with every man who has made a worse one.
You asked about what happened between you. You deserve an answer that starts there.
Frequently asked questions
What is deflection when he says everyone does it?
It’s deflection when a general claim about other people replaces an answer about his own conduct. Saying a behavior is common can be relevant context. It doesn’t settle whether he kept an agreement, understood your concern, or wants to handle something differently with you. Notice whether the comparison helps you discuss those questions or becomes the reason you’re expected to drop them.
What are deflection examples involving other men’s behavior?
You ask about a hurtful remark, and he says his friends say much worse things. You ask about sharing private details, and he says everyone talks about their relationship. You raise a broken agreement, and he tells you another man wouldn’t have agreed in the first place. The comparison becomes a redirect when it replaces the answer about this specific situation.
What is a double standard if he says men and women have different rules?
A double standard means applying different expectations to comparable behavior without a fair reason. If he expects you to accept something from him that he would condemn from you, ask what justifies that difference. Different needs can lead to different agreements, but both people need a real say. Gender alone doesn’t answer whether an arrangement is fair or freely accepted.
What is accountability when he calls his behavior normal?
It includes being honest about what he did and addressing the agreement or concern in front of him. He can explain that something felt normal in his family or circle while still discussing how it affected you. He can also state an honest disagreement. Calling something normal doesn’t remove the need to be clear about his own choice and what he’s willing to agree to.
How can someone learn how to take accountability without comparing himself with worse behavior?
Start with the actual event, answer the question, and own the part that belongs to you. You don’t need to prove you’re worse than everyone else to acknowledge a mistake. What you didn’t do can be true without excusing what you did. Those are choices he has to make himself; you can ask for a direct answer, but you can’t provide his willingness to give one.